Humor – A lady and a millionaire

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.” And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read, “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants”.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read, “Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages.”

“I also have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.”

“There is over twenty-million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.”

Humor – Overheard in court

A lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, said, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but there were extenuating circumstances.”

The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.”

“Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. When I arrived, I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear.

She tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?”

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout NOOOO!, she disappeared.

Bubba and Earl?

And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, “maintenance men Extraordinaire” found me … half-naked with part of me dangling from the ‘Jaws of Life’ and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite, “Hi, how’s it going type greeting”, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.”

“OK, you take care now” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.

Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

“And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps!”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, “Case Dismissed.”

Humor – Bubba and a hooker

Just read this on Facebook. Laughed my butt off!

Enjoy!

Bubba?

Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it’s only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They’re in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here people?”, asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I’m sorry”, says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, till you shined that light in her face!”

Humor – A blind man with a dumb blonde joke

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ”Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…

1 – The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 – The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and

5 – I’m a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, “Naaaah . . .
not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

************

If you enjoyed that, check out A Tazer Tale. It’ll knock you off your feet!

Humor – The angel atop the Christmas tree

A Christmas Story I borrowed from a Facebook friend:

Angel on Christmas tree

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Now you know. The next time you decorate your Christmas tree and your kids ask you about the angel atop the tree, tell them Santa did it. LOL!

Humor – The President & 4th Graders

The President is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So the President asks the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says the President, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not” explains the President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. The President searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you and the First Lady, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Correct,” exclaims the President, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” Lil’ Johnny said, “because, like you just told us, it wouldn’t be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a great loss.”

 

Humor – Shopping at Tiffany’s

Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany’s.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little “woops” and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s.

He politely greets the lady, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

Humor – What were you thinking?

Here’s a quick quiz to test your IQ. Answers at the bottom of the page.

No peeking now!

 

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

5. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I’m at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

 

 

Answers:

1.  a dentist
2.  a wedding ring
3.  peanut butter
4.  chewing gum
5.  an elevator
6.  a nose
7.  a newspaper boy
8.  a glove
9.  a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

 

How many did you get right? What were you thinking?

 

Source: http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com

Humor – Trust the Indians

Another gem from a Facebook post:

Trust the Indians

It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!”

Humor – How men and women use the ATM

The difference between me and women – using the ATM. I can’t speak for the ladies if this is true, but it sure is hilarious. So, enjoy!

A new sign in the Bank reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to follow the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

FOR MALES:

1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. Lower your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

FOR FEMALES:

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.